I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
