Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
