so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
