good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
