U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The best revenge is premature balding
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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