Can Purell be used as lube?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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