a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
