Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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