I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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