There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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