I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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