Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
