I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
