Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
