I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
