They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
