I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
operation have a gay friend backfired
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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