wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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