why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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