i used baking grease as lip gloss
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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