I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
