your parents love me but you hate me
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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