She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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