Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
