9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
