I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
