I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
