In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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