just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
