hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
