I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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