I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
