the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
