I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
