I accidentally had phone sex last night
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
