I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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