He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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