I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
