So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
