I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
