I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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