Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
