My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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