so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
