is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
