you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
