i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
