I got chris browned last night
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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