I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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