he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
