You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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