how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Someone came in the potted fern
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
