New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
