She's JV to your varsity
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
