hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
